Isolation Was My Playground

In my childhood, I experienced many traumas. My early life was characterized by emotional neglect and abandonment. I was skinny, accident-prone, and awkward. Isolation was my playground. Loneliness, my only friend. In my early teenage years, my mother’s depression and shame about her past became my depression and shame. It would take many years to understand how that happened and what effect it had on my mental health.

Before I was seventeen, I experienced my first grief when my girlfriend’s parents forced her to have an abortion. No one asked me how I felt. This sealed the coffin of my unrealized need to be heard. It also handicapped my freshly realized faith in God when I mistakenly assumed He hadn’t heard my prayers to save this child. 

A few weeks after my twentieth birthday, an unidentified assailant shot me in the face. Bad people wanted to end my life. If they had succeeded, my voice would have never been heard again. My survival was miraculous, my physical healing was swift. My emotional recovery was many years in the future. Because of this horrific event, my early adult life was a nightmare, full of fear, rage, and addiction.

The world conspired to silence my voice. The spirit of God continues to call me to speak truth, mercy, and grace.

The emotional turmoil I experienced in childhood conditioned me to believe I didn’t deserve to be loved, heard, or cared for. I still battle with negative thoughts and an inner critic with a harsh and painful voice. I’m still plagued with flashbacks, nightmares, and a compulsion to neglect my own needs and emotions. I have forty-plus years of therapy, twenty-nine years of twelve-step recovery, and a strong and lasting faith. Without all this, healing and self-care would probably still be beyond my reach. Without God’s Love, Grace, and Mercy I never would have made it out of the darkness that gripped my life.

Today, I am respected by my wife and sons, loved by them and others, and valued by friends and community. On most days, I’m able to silence the voices and old tapes that attempt to sabotage my progress and challenge me to strive for perfection. Overcoming trauma, abandonment, isolation, and grief has been painful. It has also allowed me to become the man I am today. Tragedy and sorrow have been transformed into blessing and healing. My mind can still masquerade as a minefield, but my heart is full of gratitude.

Post Information

Post Date	Author	Comments	Originally Penned
October 11, 2023	frankie	0 Comments	October 10, 2023